the ten commandments for air travel (how not to be a dick on a plane)

This post is my futile attempt at winning a prize from Virgin Australia at the upcoming Problogger Conference.

I suspect my use of the word dick will make Nanna unsubscribe from my blog (again) and Virgin run a mile, but regardless here’s the ten commandments for air travel.

1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s arm rest.

Dude, you can’t have both armrests. That’s just greedy. A good rule of thumb is one armrest per person. Still can’t work it out? Try tucking your elbow into the space next to your torso, below your shoulder. It works for the rest of the flying population.

2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s overhead locker.

I can see it’s not going to fit. The crew can see it’s not going to fit. Blind Freddy can see it’s not going to fit. Spare us all the huffing and puffing and check that oversized bag before the flight. Don’t make us all wait while they stow your enormous dollar-store blue and white checked canvas bag in the hold.

3. Thou shalt not sniff for the entire flight.

You’re crook? I’m sorry to hear that. Know what else I’m sorry to hear? Your incessant sniffing. There’s tissues in the toot, blow your freaking nose, wash your hands and help avert another SARS situation.

4. Honour thy pilots and thy cabin crew.

You know who’s in charge of keeping this metal cylinder hurtling through space? The crew of this aircraft. If they ask you to turn of your goddamn tamagochi, do it. If we fall out of the sky because you’re feeding your imaginary dragon, I’m going to be really pissed.

5. Though shalt not recline thy seat before me. 

You wouldn’t reverse without first checking your mirrors, right? So before you push that blasted button and shoot yourself into my lap, turn around and have a look. Nothing makes a pregnant woman crankier than having to eat her in-flight meal off her bump.

6. Thou shalt not stand up.

I can sense you’re in a hurry, champ. Somewhere between your incessant watch checking and foot tapping, I and the occupants of the three rows around us got the message. Thing is, standing up moments after our wheels made contact with the tarmac, won’t get you off this plane any faster. Furthermore, standing over me from the window seat for the eleven minutes that it takes us to taxi to the bay makes you a bit of a dick. Plus, it makes the crew cranky (refer fourth commandment).

7. Thou shalt know thy limits.

I’m all for kicking off a holiday with a few glasses of the bubbly stuff, but if you’ve opted for a liquid breakfast, know your limits. I am not a relationship counsellor nor am I interested in your 9-11 conspiracy theory. If you pass out and dribble on me I’ll be cross (refer the first commandment). Pace yourself.

8. Thou shalt not assault my eardrums.

Want to listen to your iPad the whole flight? Awesome. I don’t. They’re called headphones buddy, plug them in.
Returning from holidays and relaying stories of your travels? I’m thrilled you had a great time, but that cracking yarn you’re telling at volume about that crazy night in Patong has me completing a New Zealand citizenship application online. Keep it down, champ.

9. Honour thy fellow passengers.

Mate, put your stinky foot though the gap in the seat and I will lance that poxy in-grown toenail with my plastic fork. I’m not podiatrist, but that’s a promise.

10. Thou shalt not crowd the carousel.

We’ve finally arrived at our destination; you’ve removed my fork from your nail bed and limped to the baggage carousel. Now, you’re standing so close to the carousel that no one else can see their bags, much less reach them in time.
You’re keen to get out of this place and on with your holiday, I get that. In fact, the three hundred other passengers who just disembarked and I have places to be too.  Step back buddy and let us all have a turn.

ever flown with a dick (not the Sir Richard Branson sort but the inconsiderate passenger kind)?