taking stock. the Christopher Pyne edition.

I deplore the C word.  Won’t stand for it to be said in my ear shot.

Over the years, we’ve had a few employees that have been quite fond of it and I’ve told them they’re only allowed use that particular word on their birthdays.

I imagine I shocked the socks off a mate when I quoted Christopher Pyne in a text this week.  (It was obviously his birthday when he appeared on the Today Show recently.)  I’ve promised her a few Christoper Pyne jokes later this morning.  So far I like this one.

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ‘What are all those clocks?’

St. Peter answered, ‘Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.’

‘Oh’, said the man. ‘Whose clock is that?’

‘That’s Mother Teresa’s’, replied St. Peter. ‘The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.’

‘Incredible’, said the man ‘and whose clock is that one?’

St. Peter responded, ‘That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.’

‘Where’s Christopher Pyne’s clock?’ asked the man.

‘Christopher’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.’

There’s only so many political jokes you can read before you need a spell, so I’m having a break and taking stock. (This list was written by Pip Lincolne from Meet Me At Mikes)

Making: an itinerary for our trip to New Zealand.

Cooking: variations on a basic cake batter for next week’s email.

Drinking: green tea.

Reading: so many notes from school.

Wanting: more hours in the day.

Looking: forward to making a kajillion heart-shaped things for Valentines Day tomorrow.

Playing: Zoo’s Who with the Big Sister.

Deciding: to wear a dress I already own to the wedding.

Wishing: for a cure for cancer.

Enjoying: thinking of Christopher Pyne jokes.

Waiting: for reinforcements to arrive so I can visit a mate in hospital.

Liking: my new black handbag.

Wondering: what to pack for NZ.

Loving: my new red overnight bag.

Remembering: that on this day eight years ago, Bearhands proposed.

Considering: that I may have a bag problem.

Watching: the ABC news, because I am old.

Hoping: that the Baked Relief to the West appeal gets great support.

Marvelling: at our Fire Wheel tree.

Needing: to watch what I eat, so I can wear a dress I already own to the wedding.

Smelling: chook manure – the farm was covered in it a few days ago.

Wearing: my target suck-me-in jeans – I should have bought a dozen pairs.

Following: The White House on Facebook.

Noticing: that Barack Obama has a sense of humour.

Knowing: that my friend has a long year ahead.

Thinking: of more Christopher Pyne jokes.

Sorting: little knickers. There’s no discernible difference between the girls’ undies, but they notice if I get it wrong.

Buying: Cards Against Humanity.  Cannot wait to play.

Bookmarking: Jim Carrey’s secret to life.

Disliking: having chook poo under my fingernails.

Opening: emails.

Giggling: at Christopher Pyne’s lie-clock.

Snacking: on pink grapefruit and air.

Feeling: hungry.

Coveting: a Sasha Drake dress to wear to the wedding instead.

Wishing: my veggie patch would weed itself.

Helping: with reading at the Big Sister’s school.

Hearing: Mum arrive to look after the Little Sister.

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So my dear friends, I’ll wish you a happy weekend and leave you with another Christopher joke…

A man applying for a job at a Mildura lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

He replied: “I’ve been divorced three times, bought a Pajero and I voted for Christopher Pyne.”

do you hate the C word?

know any Christopher Pyne jokes?