Dear new lesion,
We spotted you on the MRI yesterday.
You seem to have moved in without completing a tenancy agreement.
This is problematic in two forms:
1) we cannot be sure when you took up residence.
Without being able to determine when you took up residence in my peritrigonal white matter, we cannot be sure if you’re a pre- or post-treatment arrival. For the purposes of this letter, let’s assume you arrived not long after my January MRI. The idea of you moving in post-treatment is not something I want to consider
2) we cannot be sure why you took up residence in the peritrigonal region.
To be frank I have no idea what function the peritrigonal region performs but it seems like pretty prime real estate.
Are you the reason that I find myself listing the kids names off until I get the right one when I’m angry? Is your tenancy causing my diminished tolerance of David Avocado Wolfe memes and the sound of children bickering? Have you taken up residence in my short term memory, causing me to make repeated return visits to the fridge to check if something delicious has magically materialised since my last visit?
As you can see, your undocumented long-term lease is troubling. Now you’re in residence, let’s set some ground rules: don’t invite your mates to move in and don’t even consider expanding to the adjacent real estate.
As your landlord, should I discover that you’ve squatted on more white matter, I will be merciless in my punishment.
A twenty-four hour Caillou marathon will be just the start, my little demyelinated amigo. Yesterday there was even talk of a third round of treatment.
Don’t forget that I have kids, so I’m trained in this kind of warfare. I promise that when parents say “this hurts me more than it hurts you” they mean it, but they single-mindedly stay the path anyway.
Try to keep the noise down.
(your new landlord)