Yesterday I had a sad day.
I'm prone to having sad days in the lead up to David's anniversary.
Often I'm not sure what brings them on, but I suspect yesterday's sadness was brought on by my phone reminding me that four years ago I'd made some baby bubble brag about the Little Sister weighing 6.1kg at her six week injections. Looking back, this was a little sweet spot in my life - the Little Sister had arrived and David was yet to depart. And I was floating along in my baby bubble, completely unaware that it was about to burst.
I've learned to allow myself sad days now. I fill those days with tasks that don't require much thought or much social interaction. I give the kids long hugs and hold them until they start squirming with the need to do something else.
Then yesterday afternoon, a package arrived. The dog didn't bark and the lady delivering the parcel arrived right at the back door without warning. When I saw the return address I knew it would be worth saving, so I waited until I could savour the unwrapping of each little bit.
My dear friend and bridesmaid Lozza has undergone a career change this past year and turned her love for pottery into Loz Loz - beautiful handmade ceramics. She knew I'd broken my butter dish a little while ago, so she's made me one.
What I didn't know is, knowing I'd be sad leading up to David's anniversary, she'd also made me a beautiful cross.
It was the closest I've ever come to getting a hug in the mail and I instantly held it to my chest.
It's hanging above our dining room table, a permanent reminder of David, Lozza and how lucky I am: even on days when I intentially hide from the world, I'm not alone.