A few weeks ago a naive and better rested young woman, let’s call her Amanda, posted this picture on Instagram with the caption: Normally a picture says a thousand words. This one only says two: toilet training.
What this simple little mother did not realise is this picture did not in fact say two words; it said one: GASTRO. Minutes later the pink projectile puking began. One by one the Smyth our imaginary family fell victim.
Our heroine seemed to escape the worst of the bug; feeling only mildly unwell while she scraped up, washed and comforted her family, all without a HAZMAT suit. She felt mildly queasy at a lovely wedding on Saturday night, but she came good.
On Sunday morning, she eschewed her husband’s romantic advances for a dip in the ocean, where she unwittingly flashed a booby at the lifeguards. Later that morning, while watching her little family swim in the pool, the bug finally struck Amanda. Frantically she search the pool area for a sign. A bead of sweat had already formed on her top lip by the time she made it to the stairs. Panic set in when the first door didn’t open. With shaking hands and clenched cheeks she tried her room key in the door; no luck. When she tried the first door again, it magically opened and our leading lady duckwalked the final meters to the Ladies.
Amanda spent the remainder of the day chewing gastrostop, taking tenuous sips of tea and watching wistfully from the balcony as her family swam in the resort pool.
It wasn’t until the trip home that it dawned on Amanda that her Father in Law, let’s call him Nostradamus, had predicted the whole thing at a birthday party weeks before. After he’d blown out the candles and we’d toasted his seventieth year, Nostradamus had delivered a piece of advice for ageing in his birthday speech:
never pass a bathroom,
never waste an erection and
never, never trust a fart.
received any good advice recently?
Post script: Several days later our heroine enjoyed a return to health and she was thrilled to put the whole thing ..err… behind her.
PMSL – so glad you are all better !!!!
Thanks for sharing and brightening my day.
Have a good one.
Me
PMSL? Oh man I hope that means you wet yourself! In the context, it could be either!
Have a good one too Me xx
Why do these things always happen when we have the chance to enjoy ourselves away from our four walls? I don’t dare mention the word, in case it sticks to me, but I’d prefer that than to have a hurling bug – ugh! Love your FIL’s advice! A shame that you ignored his middle piece of advice and headed to the ocean, mind you it’s probably a move many of us would have made 😉 xxx
I know Em! I didn’t realise that advice regarding ageing applied to me yet. I’m sure Bearhands will remind me sooner rather than later! 🙂
Oh too funny, Amanda! I sorely needed that laugh today. Glad you’re feeling better and thanks for the advice. I suspect it will come in handy sooner or later!
My personal favourite bit of advice to live by is “play the ball, not the man”.
I remind myself of this every time someone pisses me off when I should be focused on the issue instead. It works sometimes… 😉
It’s been a while since I had a workplace barney Beth! The upside to being self employed is my co-worker sexually harasses me AND knows when to concede defeat! 🙂
Funniest story I’ve read in a while….. HNY!! xo
To you too Jay x
Oh no! Sorry, I’m trying not to laugh. I’m so glad you’re feeling better now. It reminded me of a time when I was getting my haircut and all of a sudden felt like vomiting. I ran out of the salon with my cape on in search of a toilet. I passed Subway and the smell was enough to make me lose my bundle. So, in front of diners I lurched over and gave them a lovely display …
The smell of Subway is enough to make a well person puke!
PS. Thanks for the DUF DUF love. x
Love your FIL’s advice! Glad to hear you are all feeling better.
I’m glad you had such a healthy attitude to it Amanda – I felt queasy just reading about it – poor thing – hope that’s it for 2014. Yr FiL sounds like a wily thing – cld we call him gastronamus? Hehe
“Leave it ‘behind’ her” – laughing right up to the last line!
Clenched butts then comes the goosebumps…ugh…don’t remind me! Glad you, er I mean the heroine came good in the end 🙂
Thank goodness I read this at home Amanda, much LOL!!
Just thinking about what could have happened, brings me out in a cold sweat. So glad you’re better now x
You looked ravishing at the wedding, despite pending projectiles. x
That kind of advice can only come from a father in law. Thank you for this tale – your tragedy to live, our comedy to enjoy…
Hilarious! We just had a bout of sickness in our household too, and it was just as messy. Glad I’ve found you via weekend rewind. Carla x
http://www.myyellowheart.blogspot.com.au
You are very funny Amanda, and hopefully feeling a lot better. Nothing worse than being away when it strikes. Memories of squat toilets – I won’t elaborate!
Can you ask your father-in-law for next week lottery numbers … he is clearly a wise and knowledgable man :0)
Oh you poor thing! Love your FIL’s piece of timely advice!
Oh shit… literally lol. You poor thing. I have advice that I give people these days – never eat a whole packet of Eclipse mints… if you do its almost as bad as Gastro. Hope you are feeling better now.. all of you! xx