My brother David and his co-pilot Tomas died on 9 September 2011. David was 29 years old.
I like to write about David. It feels good when I say his name aloud. Sometimes I wonder if my friends think I talk about him too often, but honestly, I have a hundred thoughts of him for every one I orate.
When Kerrie from the Ground Swell Project approached me and asked me to curate a list about grief and food for Dying to Know Day; I readily agreed. I’m in the unique position of being able to put together a bite-sized list of advice for helping the bereaved.
Grief is an individual processes. Everyone reacts differently. In a recent discussion with five bereaved people I was stunned to find that they'd had polar opposite reactions when offered the same words intended to comfort. People have a similar reaction to food. I've heard people bemoan the constant stream of casseroles and others who have genuinely appreciated the help. That said, if you're considering cooking for them; it’s likely that you already know which camp your grieving friends are likely to fall into. If you're going to cook for a bereaved family, here are some ideas.
7 tips for cooking for the bereaved
Consider all the members of the family. Aim for a meal that everyone will be able to share.
Don’t send a meal in your Grandmother’s prized casserole dish. In fact, don’t send a meal in any kind of container that you want back. Spare the family the stress of remembering to return dishes to their rightful owners and buy disposable trays. Tell the family you don't want the dish back.
If the meal requires extra cooking or reheating, write some instructions. Grief made me exhausted and forgetful. I was flat out remembering to eat, much less recalling directions. Consider printing/copying the recipe and writing the date it was cooked on the top.
If the meal needs to be served with pasta or spuds, throw them in. Provide the entire meal. Think about including some sides – if you're sending a lasagne, consider sending a salad and some garlic bread.
Better looking at it, than looking for it. If you're visiting, think about taking a loaf of bread, milk or some fruit. In the weeks after David died, I dreaded going to the shops. I wanted to shy away from the well-meaning checkout operators and their well meaning “how was your day?”
Send a fruit basket. Our friend Jenny, a bereaved wife herself, sent a fruit basket after she learned of David’s accident. It was waiting on the fence for us when we returned to the farm from Brisbane. The true thoughtfulness of her gift became apparent in the following days, when wracked by the physical pain of grief; it was all I could do was survive the day. It was a relief to have something easy and healthy to offer the Big Sister to eat.
Call before you go. There were some days where I just couldn't face anyone. I didn't pick up the phone. I wasn't up to visitors. I just wanted to be alone. To lick my wounds in private. Call ahead. If they don't answer, leave your visit for another day.
Dying to Know Day is August 8.
The hope is to encourage people to have open and honest conversations about death, dying and bereavement.
do you have any tips for cooking for the bereaved?
what are you dying to know?
Mary says
What a lovely, thoughtful post.
kirsten and co. says
Such beautiful words Amanda xx
Jay @ Moodie Foodie (@moodiefoodiejay) says
Lovely post Amanda. Thoughtful, well written, just right. As for tips, I agree with everything you've said xox
Lisa @ bakebikeblog says
I think these are some really great ideas - and ones that I would never have thought of (but make so much sense!) Particularly taking a meal in a disposable dish, and bringing over some milk and bread!
Sydney, Kids, Food + Travel - Seana says
Very good tips, and yes I think a fruit basket is a great idea, and a home baked cake never goes astray. When my neighbour's husband was ill and then died she really appreciated the many meals that were delivered, and a friend made sure she had a huge freezer, always full. That balance between letting your friends know you care and pestering is easier with email and text messaging isn't it.
I am a firm believer in talking about death and the people we love who have passed away. Good on you.
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
I agree Seana. I noticed it was your Dad's anniversary on the weekend, that must have been hard. I hope you managed to celebrate his memory. x
Carly Findlay says
I am sorry for your loss. What a useful post. Thanks for sharing these tips.
I read a similar post written for helping parents of newborns with disabilities out.
I hope you'll share this post in all the blog groups and maybe submit for publication. It's something that needs to be shared widely 🙂
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
Thank you Carly. It hadn't occurred to me, but I can imagine that parents of newborns with disabilities experience the same things. I'm glad that Dying to Know Day is shining a light on grief, death and dying.
Dawn Pereira says
Lovely words Amanda. I Don't ever stop talking about David as I love hearing about him. helps keep his memory alive. I always think about him too and in fact only this morning I found a few photos of him with Warren at Expo.
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
I feel the same way Dawn. 🙂
sarahtsib says
I love this and Ive shared it over on my FB page. I interview people all the time about their experience of loss and one of the stories that always jumps out at me was a woman who told me she wanted to yell 'NO MORE CASSEROLES' when people came to her door. So much in our reading focusses on not knowing what to say when someone is living with a traumatic loss but what to cook, or offer, or help with...equally as important!
Sorry about David - sibling grief isnt always given the space it needs x
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
Thanks for sharing it Sarah. It's hard-earned knowledge, but hopefully it will be of use to someone. I remember wondering what to do when a friend's daughter died a few years ago. Thanks for mentioning sibling grief, there isn't much written about it at all.
Carmie says
I too am sorry for your loss - you must miss your dear brother so much... Your article is so heartfelt & practical - really good to know these tips when someone needs our help and can't face the world...
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
Thanks Carmie, I hope it will be of use to someone. 🙂
Have a laugh on me says
What a thoughtful list hun - I bet it must be nice to talk about David, to be able to acknowledge that you had an amazing brother, to remember the good times. Hugs to you. xx
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
Thanks lovely xx
BOYEATSWORLD says
What a beautiful and thoughtful post, Amanda. Big love x
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
Thanks Aleney. x
Deb @ home life simplified says
I am sorry for your loss. You really cant talk about him too much. When my father died suddenly when i was 14 we did not talk about him much and i wished people had. I am glad my daughters ask about him and make me share again after all these years xx
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
That must have been tough Deb. I'm glad you're getting a chance to share some memories with your girls now. xx
clothespin says
Include a note telling them that you do not want a thank you note. Thank you notes are the bane of any disaster - be it a death or natural disaster.
We lost our home in a massive wildfire 2 years ago, along with nearly 1700 homes, and it was/is a huge ordeal. I wrote thank you notes for a while and then nearly lost my cool after a couple of months... and haven't written a thank you since. It's not that I don't appreciate everything everyone was doing for us but it was beyond my capacity to write one more note card to someone telling them that we were fine. We were and we were not fine all at the same time and it just became mentally exhausting reassuring everyone.
Also, if you are one of the wonderful people on this earth who helps folks out at times like this - don't be upset if you don't get a thank you note. I did and do appreciate everything beyond any understanding of anyone who hasn't been through something like this. But I rarely write thank yous now. I will say thank you in person, I will give you a hug and hopefully that is enough.
One final thing, not related to food but... The constant refrain of "I'm so sorry" is just annoying. Understandable but at this point in the game, not needed. We're all sorry, it is terrible and hard and lousy, you do not need to say you're sorry. Say something like you know it is hard, you had a friend go through this and it took a long time to be OK, you've known a lot of people who lost their homes in a fire (in our case about 25% of the town)... that it has to be hard, you seem to be doing OK... something like that. Sorry is just implied and implicitly understood.
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
Great point about thank-yous, clothespin. Writing so many notes must have been a draining and time consuming task. You did well to last a few months! I understand exactly what you mean when you say, we were and we were not fine all at the same time. Well said. xx
Housewife in Heels says
Sorry to hear about David and his co-pilot. So tragic. Such a thoughtful post. My husband lost his mother when we were a few years into our relationship. We still regularly cook her meals/ desserts/ slices for the family (my sister in law gave my husband a family cookbook for his 21st). I especially make an effort to include her recipes for special occasions such as birthdays/ the anniversary of her death/ her birthday/ and other family gatherings. It's nice to think of her, and include her in some way, for these occasions.
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
That's a great way to include her in your celebrations Helen. How thoughtful of your sister-in-law to put together a cookbook and how thoughtful of you to make her meals. Fabulous, fabulous idea! xx
iSophie says
Really thoughtful post and really valuable advice. It's not something people talk about but these tips could really make a difference. #teamIBOT
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
Thanks Sophie. x
always josefa (@always_josefa) says
So sorry to hear about your brother. This post is so heartfelt, true and honest. You suggestions are great. Hope some people are inspired to reach out to those who are grieving x
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
Thanks Josefa x
Nee Say (@NeeSayer) says
It's so difficult to know what to say or how to support people who are grieving, especially if you haven't been there yourself. Lovely, helpful post xx
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
Thanks Nee. x
Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me says
So sorry to hear about your brother. It's lovely you can talk and write about him so freely and with passion though. I'd never heard of Dying to know day. Thanks for sharing!
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
I believe this is its first year Renee, but it will be an annual day. I can see it being of great help to people - for those approaching the end of their lives and for the families who will be left behind. xx
EssentiallyJess says
I'm so sorry about your brother Amanda, but I love that you love to talk about him. So often people can't do that.
I havent' had anyone close to me die for a long time, but I'll remember these tips when I have to xx
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
Thanks Jess. x
This Charming Mum says
I lost a good friend a few weeks ago and I've been really struggling to know how to help her family. Unfortunately they're not close by so I can't really take food, but I must have a look at the Dying to Know site. Perhaps I'll find some other useful suggestions. I'm so sorry about your brother x
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
I'm sorry to hear that Lara. Maybe you could put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and write your memories of her for her family? I'm sure there's stories that they haven't heard and would love to know. Every extra photo I discover of David now is a gift. xx
Alicia - One Mother Hen says
Awesome post. It's so awkward and hard to know what to do. I recently thought to take a couple of cooked chickens to my SIL after the passing of her mum. Hubby talked me out of it saying it was silly, it wasn't silly. Her best friend did the same thing. However at the time four cooked chickens may have been a bit ridiculous. But with the family visitors, that amount of cooked chicken doesn't seem that stupid. Throw away containers is a good idea, remembering who's container is who's when your brain is already fried would be a hassle of a task 🙂
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
Cooked chickens isn't silly at all Alicia. When we were planning David's funeral, a friend arrived with ingredients for sandwiches, made them quietly, inconspicuously put them on the table and left. Stuff like that is so practical and helpful, we were really appreciative.
Sara says
What a lovely post,
Firstly don't ever stop talking about your brother - my own brother was killed in 1983, he was 25 and I think of him and talk about him still. Recently both my parents died within 8 weeks of each other and find that a lot of people don't know how to support you, some even disappear. Great ideas are the basics, milk, coffee, eggs, cheese and bread, sometimes just a friendly face is all they need really.
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
I'm sorry to hear that you've suffered such loss Sara. I agree, sometimes it's not necessary to say anything - just sitting quietly together is comforting. Tea and coffee are good suggestions. There seemed to be endless cups of tea after David died. xx
Molly Carlile, Deathtalker says
Great tips.........................I'll just add another three to make it 10......just cause I have a thing about double digits!
- Don't be offended if the grieving person leaves the meal you made on the bench and you have to throw it out days later...............sometimes they are very forgetful, especially when it comes to eating
- Make "light" meals cause in the first few days of a significant bereavement, the grieving person's system is running hot with hormones, enzymes and cortisoles (the body's natural "numbing" agents) which means their "gut" slows down, so they can't process heavy food.
- Let them eat what they feel like. They can go back to "meat and three veg" later. Sometimes making sure there's plenty of fresh juice, nice leaf tea or cold mineral water can be more appealing to grieving people and saves them from worrying about hurting your feelings if they don't eat the beef bourgignon you made for them!
Lissanne says
Great post. When my gran died, we hosted the wake at my dads and I cooked. I made tacos and tortillas with a choice of beef, chook and beans. Then set out little dishes with all the trimmings: lettuce, cheese, salsa jalapeños, sour cream and avocado. A few baked spuds and corn on the cob: family raved about the food for months. I was perplexed; it was such simple food. Then I worked out the secret: everyone had choice. They w were able to create the exact meal they wanted. I've followed this formula for years now... Choice = happy punters! Considering choice may be a good option for the bereaved too, although too many choices won't be a good thing if person in shock, as shock compromises ability to make decisions.
Denise M says
I think it's nice to include paper plates and disposable silverware, napkins, paper towels and even some toilet paper (one of those things that seems to run out at the most inappropriate times). I like to make soups (or another freezable dish) and put them in containers that can be placed directly in the freezer if they are not needed at the time. Often times there is so much food that comes in, that stuff goes to waste.
Robyna says
Thanks so much for this Amanda. When Xavier died our beautiful neighbours kept us well stocked with food. They also made sure that they co-ordinated with each other so at no point did we have an overflowing freezer. It was such a comfort. I think of your brother often - it's not until you go through losing a loved one that you start to realise how grief actually works.
Amanda, Cooker and a Looker says
It's a club you hope no one else joins, isn't it Robyna? Congrats on starting your new blog - I know it will be of great comfort to other SIDS families. x
Diana Rambles says
Great tips!
Nic says
Great tips, I love the fruit basket idea too.
Visiting from DP blog Carnival. Nic @ Mums Take Five
jeanieinparadise says
What a great post - and I am so sorry that you lost your brother. People really don't know how to respond when you are in grief, and really there is no "right" way, the flexibility is the important factor.
Kris says
As you mentioned, everyone's grief is individual. When my sister died tragically in a car accident 3 days before Christmas I too was overwhelmed by how thoughtful people were. The meal ideas are fantastic (even though I couldn't eat) my four children and husband needed to eat. One thing I do remember and it made me feel even worse...my husband's cousin knocked on my door with the intention to give me the dishes she had kindly made. However, when I answered the door she covered her face, looked away and as she handed the dishes over and started to walk away she said 'Sorry, I can't do this...I don't know what to say...' I was left speechless. Yes it's true that grieve takes all your energy and care out of you, but if you are going to turn up on someone's doorstep...talk to them, even if it is only a hug or to tell them you care x
Seana Smith says
Great tips, I know my neighbour so appreciated being sent meals when he husband was sick and then when he passed away. But trying to return dishes is a nightmare for anyone, so great not to have to do that.
I like talking about our loved ones who have passed to. They're only physically gone... well, that is a huge thing... but we carry them around with us in our hearts every day.
Amanda Smyth says
Someone commented on my Facebook page that when they're taking a platter to a bereaved family, they buy a pretty one at a thrift shop. Then the family can keep the plate without worrying (and they have something nice to hold onto too). I'm going to add this idea to my arsenal!
Talking about them helps fill the void, huh Seana? A poor substitute, but better than nothing.
A x